the end [?!?!]

everything ends- at the end.

yesterday i just thought of the death, just thought of the lonliness, of how stupid i can be to call people and find new friends, how low could i go down? i cant go down anymore than what i already am.

i just want him. nothing else. i wish i could get everything i want. i want the money so i can fly to this perfect person. and today, its his birthday, and we are one million miles away from each other.

and my best friend is not my best friend anymore. and my friends are not my friends anymore.

life is like a wheal, one day you are up there, the other day you are down, here.

and maybe im gonna look at this moment and im gonna say to myself "it was worth it". why cant i move and start the life all over again? just to born again.

it's like my heart is breaking. everytime i talk to him i cry after, cry a lot becuase it sucks. and it sucks even more that i dont have people to talk to except him. i can only talk to my mom. god, im so happy she's here with me, i dunno what i would do without her. seriously.

"so far, you see the sky

you cry, you don't know why

it's joy, it's happiness

the rainbow makes you feel high

so far, you see the sky"

"big girls don't cry"

i've never fell so alone in my life i think...i mean, since that time two years ago. it's just a routine of lonliness and only people who moved like me can understand this feeling of total lonliness.

my heart is breaking from this whole missing thing. i've never loved someone like that and it's just so damn sad that i can't touch him and feel his body all around me.
i can't stand this anymore. and the fact that no one is around me makes everything even harder. it sounds like i feel sorry for myself and yeah maybe i do cuz i just wanna get out of here, just wanna have something exciting in this boring life, something colourful.

and the fact the he's in my head now makes things even harder. i just think about him all the time, just want to be with him.
it comes to the point that i only want to be with my family cuz they are the only people that makes me be happy all the time and i feel so comfortable with them.

i feel so down. such a bad time!

I'm done with Bible!!!

i woke up in the morning all shaking from going to the big exam in bible, i thought to myself "omg, i haven't studied at all, but on the other hand my grade it 88 so i can't fail anyways so why am i so scared about it??"

anyhow, i went there all nervous, biting my nails, getting in the classroom, placing myself in the chair and getting myself ready for the test.

the test was right infront of me, i opened it and i saw the words spinning around my eyes. aahhh!! i was shocked from the pages, it was so damn thick! but yeah, i took a long breath, i said to myself "it's alright, it's just a test", i did it like a big girl, i went out of the room and i was sooo happy to be out and feel so free!

i went to the teachers' room to say bye to my perfect teacher, becuase of her i was there, becuase of her i'm gonna get a fucking high score in bible, she's an amazing teacher and an amazing person.



i felt so happy yesterday and it already went kinda down, i feel like i'm loosing people and i can't control it at all, and it's bad but on the other hand i'm getting other people instead, i'm quite in the middle, it's how i used to be but now i guess it's impossible being in the middle so what should i do? i'm around three groups, is it good or bad? i'll guess i'll see that when the time will pass by..



none of my friends want to finish school and go to the army but i sooo wanna get done with it seriously! i'm so sick of seeing the same people everyday, i wanna get out of this bubble, i wanna go to the army and meet new people! i guess it's just becuase i was moving around and i'm so open to meet people all the time, i just wanna meet them becuase i get tired pretty fast from the same people i see all the time...



why when he writes me a message my heart goes all crazy? blaahh

anyhow, gotta go. love you <3

a "once-in-a-lifetime" feeling

its funny how i never stop missing people. it's just crazy, i think to myself. i mean, i see my friends, even my best friend, she doesn't miss anyone because all of the people she loves are nearby...and i? i always live in this bubble, i guess it's part of my life now, this missing thing. i will always be busy in when i'm gonna fly away from here and see him and be together with him. maybe that's why i don't wanna be with the other one now?
i feel like i'm so mean to him and that's why i'm trying so hard being nice to him, but is it just being two faces? or is it normal?

im trying to stay calm and relaxed and trying so hard not to get excited from little things. trying to have fun basically.
i guess this is the life of a girl who has been traveling around the world. it's not easy i can promise that, but it's interesting though.

i'm having interesting conversations with interesting people lately and it's fun, i like that. i like talking to people about what happened to me and what is happening right now. it makes my mind bring new thoughts, and i get more connected to people. i guess it wasn't so hard moving to Israel after all.
yesterday my brother came over, god i missed him! i like the fact i can come over to his place [although it's like one hour away from my city but still...it's nothing compare to one million miles lol] and the fact he can over too.
i guess it's the best summer vacation i've ever had. i'm having the best time of my life. i'm doing everything i can, going clubbing and to the beach, to Tel-Aviv, ahhhh i love this city!! hmm, yeah i guess it was the best thing having him hear, it made the holiday more exciting! my sister's wedding which was the best part of the holiday! and hey! the holiday hasn't finished yet!
for the last holiday before i'll go to the army i guess it was perfect! even thought i had the bible course, still it was interesting...

you know how sometimes you just smell the happiness? how you wake up in the morning and you have butterflies in your stomach from nothing? i'm sure it's the happiness i'm having right now..hope it'll stay long before it goes down to the ground.

love you a lot. i'm so happy when i get comments, please leave some <3

a morning post...

just woke up and i still have the perfect breath of the morning on me, haha! gonna make my coffee soon and be so pleasured from my morning ciggarette.
yesterday was fun, we went all the girls to do some shopping and i fought with my mom, then i appologized, although i don't even know what i have done wrong...anyhow, after the shopping we went to this amazing coffee place and i shared a tona salad with two of my friends, it was huge and i was pretty full after! i was surprised cuz the only thing that usually makes me full is a hamburger <3
then we took the bus and we were going to the centre of the city, just to sit and walk around..they went to my friend's place but i had to go home, i have a bible exam on tuesday and i gotta study!! argggh! im so lazy!
today i gotta go alone to the dentist, i hate going alone there, i love that my mom comes with me, i feel safer lol. but yeah i'll go alone and hopefully she'll say only good things! let's pray :]

i gotta tell him that i don't want him becuase i can't go into something serious now, i just can't. so i'm just gonna go and tell him that. seriously, can't we just have a small thing without having something serious? god, he's such a child. i hate that.
i wanna go to brazil! damn it but i don't have the money. im working as an english tutor and it's so much fun! i get 50 shekels per hour which is a lot, i know that cuz my friends get like 18 shekels per hour. and its fun i don't need to waste my energy, i just come and i teach him english, how to talk and stuff, it's fun and i also learn new stuff lol.

argggh my mom forgot her mobile phone at home before she left to work, now i have to pick up and telk to people i don't want to...damn it.

anyhow, gotta go study before i get even more lazy than what i already am! haha love you loads!!! xxx <3

my first post..

hallo!

my first post, well, i had a blog before but not in English, now its my opportunity to express myself in English except in Hebrew.
yep, I'm from Israel...
i broke up two weeks ago from my bf, he came to visit me from brazil, oh yeah and i lived in singapore. kinda complicated but im tryin not to look at it that way.
I'm trying to love the life cuz its our only chance to leave something in this world after we leave it..and i wanna do it the best way.
I'm scared from many things, i believe most of the things people tell me, that's why i hate when people don't believe me! and i also hate when people lie to me! conclusion: i adore the truth.

i love quiet songs, its the best thing when you're sad, sad songs, popcorn and fruit shake with alcohol, the best thing ever!
being alone is the best time of the day in my opinion and that's why i wake up earlier everyday just to be with myself before i show myself to the world...

my longing is just a routine, i never stop missing to people, its crazy, but that's part of my life and without it i won't be like i am today.
people, especially my mom say I'm never happy with what i have and i always want more, in some level its true, i always see the farther, i rather look at the future, what i can do more, than what im doing right now, i dunno why...i guess I'm just too curious about what will happen tmr, in one year, in 10 years..

i adore my family, its the best thing I've got in this world. being with my family is the only time i can be free and feel comfortable with who i really am..i love each person separately and also all of together.
i also adore the art, its the best way to express your feelings.

anyhow..hopefully you'll visit me again, love you.
Ayelet.